TONIGHT I HAD A SEX DREAM

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TONIGHT I HAD A SEX DREAM

It started as usual, girls looks into boys eyes , Girl kisses the boy,but instead all I felt was,a deep steel cold piece of chunk pressing on my lips,something so strong we could call it “chuma ya doshi”,and not for the meaning you all think.
I tried to wake up, thinking I was biting my steel bed, but it wasn’t.His lips felt so cold,unbent, heavy.I tried to talk but I couldn’t feel my lips at that moment,brain froze, mind blown and confused. I woke up.
He was just lying there next to me, i couldn’t bare the thought of ever kissing him again,I couldn’t imagine kissing anyone ever again.

MY BAD HABIT

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My love HABIT, you were my LOVE HABIT

My craving, my prescription you were my routine,

I woke up to your smiles, to your yawns,

I couldn’t sleep unless wrapped in your arms,

My habit, my bad habit.

You were the scent in my hair, on my sheets,

I would rub my self on you and you rubbed off on my bed.

I would never have seen you fading,

My bad habit, my crazy disease.

How to get over this bad habit, how to get over your love?

How to get past our memories?

How do i start without a habit, without my normal?

My habit, my bad habit.

You were my choice, you turned to my behavior,

with time you were my habit.

Sweet, sweet, habit, sour energy, bad routine.

My lover, my now lost love.

MY CRAZY SEX TAPE

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In the middle of making love, my paranoia kicked in, what if I am butt dialing my mom?, where the hell is my phone?. I asked out loud “have you seen my phone?. Where could I have placed it, I couldn’t concentrate on the sex anymore so I pulled away and started looking for my dumb phone. I found it hidden under the coach’s throw blanket that was on the floor. A sense of relieve swayed and I started to kiss his adorable face again only this time for him to stop and ask, “have you seen my phone?.

We had to stop and go through the same routine as earlier we searched under the blanket, under the cushions nothing, it was until when we were so deep into the search that I remembered he had taken the phone to my bedroom to charge and so he went to go get it.

It was around 2.30 A.M on a Sunday, and we were pretty wasted.

When he came back from my bedroom he had his phone on his palms and was busy recording me from my couch, pretty naked and too drunk to realize it at first and when I did, I grabbed his phone to check whether it was on live camera.

It wasn’t so i hit the power button and shut it down.

He picked it up and started to record again this time starting with his face, then his dick so he had no intention of leaking it. My drunk self din’t think about trimming and emoji faces at that time so i gave in.

He went ahead and gave me the camera phone , I was so into the sex that I dropped it, but we picked it up and continued recording the session. The sex as always was steamy and passionate long kisses, closed eyes , moaning all that nonsense caught in his phone. Something came over me, the same anxiety. So I grabbed the phone this time throwing it across the room and refused him to go pick it up. I was lucky cause he was so into the sex that he did not oppose, so we both finished and went to the bedroom to recover from all the panting and activities that had transpired

In the morning at around 7.50 A.M was when I remembered about the video so I asked for his phone to go through the videos. But do I say? The video captured a very beautiful moment, and my body was so flawless, or rather what I saw was amazing, his too. I had a crazy thought of keeping the video to remind me of the beautiful night we had. If the video by bad luck could leak, no one would hate on us rather they would appreciate the art, and maybe get horny from all the steam coming from us. *Tongue out*.

That was just the alcohol speaking, I was still drunk. I hit delete after he had seen both the videos but the memory of what we made that night will linger in my memories for years to come. It was a very beautiful thing

THAT ONE BAD DAY AT WORK

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Don’t get me wrong, there are bad days at work but then there is that one day that everything doesn’t add up, you don’t feel like you could take anymore pressure. You just sit there at your desk, contemplating whether to just call it quit, walk out the front door and give everyone a middle finger.

You feel so much anger for taking in so much pressure, but you cant quit cause bills won’t pay themselves. You see flashes of bad decisions following each other if you were to walk out that door. You could get sued, bad review from the HR, you might even be out in the streets homeless in a month.

You get frustrated for feeling that way since you asked God for the position you are in and now you just feel like watering everything down to the sewers.You feel numb , you cant do a single task, even the ones of the simplest form. You cant handle anymore pressure.

A crappy boss with crappy moods taking it out on you.You can do nothing about it, we all know about protocol. You wish to scream, bang the computer on the floor and say” f**k this s**t.”. You cant do this because it will be a breach of contract and you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Today is that day for me, i just want the day to end.

MY NON-TRADITIONAL HEARTBREAK LIST

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1. DENIAL.

I was stuck on this stage for so many reasons that I had not realized before now, I was afraid of loosing the perfect partner, I was afraid of starting again, dating again that I held on to an example of a relationship. I was so blinded by my own thoughts of happiness, that I never considered a new normal. The old me, the happy me, without struggling to keep on holding on to something that was doomed to fail.

2. SELF LOATHE..

I was so blinded by my own short comings, that I thought this relationship was worth it, but since when have I ever settled for less?. I have allowed my dignity to go from a 10 to a 2. Not even a 2,maybe to a 0. I have no self respect of my own worth,my education and my experiences, I stepped on them with muddy shoes. I choose to lose respect for myself and expected it back from you, that would never happen.

3. BATTLE OF MIND.

I have fought again and again about you, about me and about us in my mind. I felt you deep in my heart, and I thought that was enough to keep on fighting for us, but my guts felt uneasy and my mind knew for a fact this was going no where. I fought with my ego and with my mind for your attention. I texted you and deleted break up messages. Thinking maybe you would change. Just one more move and we cool again, “maybe he is going through stuff”, I thought.

4. REALITY KICKING IN.

It came to me, the same way I always treat people who I don’t value much, was the same way you were treating me, and if they came covered in gold I wouldn’t even give them a second glance, I realized not even my plea for attention, or the cute pictures on my timeline were going to bring you back. That was when that I realized this ship was sailed and I was standing solo on the pier .

5. THE HEARTBREAK

My heart , ooh my heart, you were the last to get the memo, we cant push anymore Heart, we cant have the full happiness and skipped beats, we cant sing to the feelings. We are going to feel like we just ate a very bad burger, bloated and sharp pains hitting us in waves. We have to go through the same pain day and again, especially after waking up. The emptiness that cannot be filled by all the ice cream or chocolate in the world. We have to experience this now , because I cant deal with the agony of lacking the love I thought he was giving us, the perfect illusion.

I HAVE BEEN BLIND

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I admit it, I HAVE BEEN BLIND. It was out of my own choice, the dark path with no promises of any kind of light, not event the faint dim light at a distance and yet I choose to follow. Not only follow but pluck my eyes out and blind fold myself. I did that to my eyes and yet openly cut my chest open and gave you access to my heart.

My friends tried to criticize my choice, but I choose you, the blind road , the painful end,i had seen it coming, just before i choose to permanently close my eyes. I was blinded by the times we spent, although deep down I knew that I had put too much to it more than it was.I choose to trust you even though being with me meant you couldn’t be trusted.

I choose to see the possibility of a happy dark life, there is nothing in existence of the sort, just some painful consequences and I have to deal with them alone.

I have to open my eyes now, I have come dangerously close to the edge of the cliff, I must see again. I have to see again, its not a choice I would have choosen but the end has come and the light has pushed its way in.

I think its the way you openly criticized my career or the way you fled the moment you knew it was going to be tough , you could have held my hand and pulled me from the edge, you could have been the man I thought you were but you left and I am left to crawl back to the light, alone.

For the rest of my life I will have to look at his eyes, just like I used to look into yours, I will look at his smile, his little smile and his little dances like I used to watch you dance. He has your character you know.

I have to live with the choice I made, and its too bad you left without so much a care, of which I saw it coming long before I choose to blind myself. I will tell him someday, how he was conceived out of love, a one-sided love.

Goodbye my love, it was long over due.

ITS THE SEX, MONEY & FAME HIGH NOT LOVE

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So today I will bring it out to the open,the real reasons someone might be stuck and can’t let go of a toxic relationship. Its the experience of belonging, more so the materialistic possession that you two might have,at least for me. You think of letting go someone who hurt you, but then again you remember he has a car that he drives you around town with, picks you up from work, take you out on expensive dates and you can’t imagine a life without all that. So you find as many reasons as you can to stick around.

Its not that you can’t find someone else who will do the same, but love is a gamble, and the chances of getting someone better, who does all the nice things for you is a bit tricky, so you can’t let go because,how will you live with yourself?, having tasted the high of money, fame and sex and then go back to sex and no money. Or no sex and money, mostly its the no money

It is just but the materialistic comparison that makes girls or men stick in situations that are set to be doomed, so you stick around waiting for the bomb to finally blast. so that if you loose the prestige at least you have salvaged the most of the situation.

You think about the way you are the favorite couple around town, or even among your friends. You think about the stories you tell your friends about your perfect relationship, the good moments sometimes even the downs. Then it hits you if you leave it won’t be the same, how will you walk in town or among your friends who are happy with their perfect relationships?. Risk loosing all the fame, the perfect life. Couples goals that you set on Instagram. How will you feel bringing down the posts. Explain to people why your significant other was seen at a concert with another chic that is not you. So you stick to the unhappy situation.

You get in deep thoughts of some stuff that you had, or might still depend on your significant other for. That most definitely can’t make it, because how will you survive without their help. Finally the worst might happen and the relationship breaks you sniff around for someone, anyone who would easily replace your high, the high you had in your previous relationship. Just for you to fall back in the cycle.

You go out in the world determined to replace your ex with an illusion of your next relationship, so you block good and potential matches because you cant be patient enough to see what they become, that’s if they haven’t made it to the level your ex was, but all you end up with the replica of your biggest mistake. Sometimes you work to getting your ex back and when you do you just stay put in a bad situation, to put up a show, but end up being miserable and posting couples goals and cant leave because you have tested the waters and it wasn’t a good experience.

GETTING OVER SOMEONE I NEVER DATED ( RICHARD)

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Heart breaks are the worst kind of emotions that one can experience, especially if its from someone you din’t expect to come from, long term relationships being more lethal. I have experienced so much heart ache you would think I would be immune by now, but human is to error and my heart is full or them, more so not getting used to heart ache. Every new experience hurts just the same or even a little more than the previous one but never numb.

This time round the heart ache is just as painful as the rest and its but some absurd situation. I hate that I have to go through the heartbreak cycle all together, they say that there are 5 steps that one needs to go through before mitigation of heart damage is under control.

This is how i am dealing with mine.

step 1; Identifying that my heart is broken.

First of and foremost,this step it is taking me longer than the other heartbreaks, this is because I am the one calling the shots, I also don’t want to call them so its either I am heart broken or just being a petty bitch at this moment.See, i like him a lot (Richard),not love at least its not love. He buys me flowers, takes me out , brag about me to his friends , holds my hand in public but just one thing,he has an estranged girlfriend.

shots fired by the universe right? obviously he is a no-go zone, just my shots left now and all the signs point to the left.

Today I am in a crappy mood and listening to slow songs seems like the only thing is left to do all day.

step 2; Denial

This is the hardest part of a break up to get past. I have so many questions in my head. Is my ego more important than giving this guy a chance to prove his worth?. Why would I let a guy go, the good guy I have been with in months if not years.He treats me with respect, buys me flowers, looks me in the eyes to help calm me down during an argument or is just some bullshit illusion that he has created to get me falling for him?. All in all he has been the ideal suitor to pass my way for a very long time.

I am stuck at this stage because I do have space in my head and heart to be patient and wait to see if he really will leave his estranged girlfriend for me, I am stuck on this stage because it feels like I should give him the benefit of doubt, since I already have been with someone who has a girlfriend. His vibe is totally different from any guy i have been with in the recent years, its was like we were back in high school,it was like he wasn’t afraid to show me off, like his relationship with his girlfriend is really on the rocks.

I am stuck on this stage because I don’t think I will allow myself to see someone romantically again for a very long time and if I end up closing up, I might end up shutting my heart forever, but I must not dwell on the possibilities of an already doomed situation. So I will try get past this and get to the rest of the stages. One step at a time

step 3; Anger

step 4; Depression

step 5; Acceptance

WISH ME LUCK!!!

HOW I KNOW IF WE DATE I WILL DEFINITELY CHEAT.

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As am writing this, I am convinced I have feelings for one Richard, he is a tall dark and somehow handsome guy I met at a work event. Things since then have escalated quite fast. We have kissed more than once and the sparks run deep in our intimate sessions.

I cant help but miss him when he is away, and I am constantly fantasizing about our next and reminiscing about our past. If you read my post you’d see one about this topic here. But now everything has changed for me, I am now ready to move on and take someone to be mine and I his.

Just one hindrance, I know am bound to cheat with YOU, not you my reader, but him, my mystery guy with a girlfriend, also if you read my post you’d know all about him.If you haven’t you can start from here. He occupies a crazy part of my existence sometimes I think its all in my head. but something is a miss with him.

I know when Richard goes for his long weeks in the country side or work travels I will be tempted to see you, (the mystery guy). Hell i’ll even fake being away from my apartment so you could come and steal a moment with me. I know its stupid since you already have someone and am still single, but also the thought of being with someone else in deceit isn’t quite right either.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Don’t bash me out, its really a sad situation for me. I need rehab to get you out of my system.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

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My heart can’t stop racing, when I think about that long passionate kiss we shared,the butterflies in my stomach, the same tingly feeling I get in my inner thighs when you touch me. But it wasn’t you today it was another.

I cannot stop fidgeting at the thought of what happened today, I shared our moments with someone else and din’t even think of you when it happened. How could this happen to me?.

Of course I really want to be with you, my one true love, but I would also want to see where this goes with him too. what if he is the one?, what if you are the one?.

How is it possible to get sparks while making out with two different people?. So today I will go out with someone different from both of you, kiss him too and if it feels the same then its with no doubt I am a fireworks wreck and maybe what I feel when we are together isn’t real.

Deep down I want to feel nothing tonight,but I cant stay in this state of confusion. I could never have seen this coming, why I allowed myself to kiss him in the first place puzzles me.

When I am thinking about him I shut you out completely and when I think about you I shut everything else out.